I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
