My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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