I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
