My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I enjoy the company of your penis
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