I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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