Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
