I wish I could punch you in the face.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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