I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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