So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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