im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There's always time for handjobs
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
