The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
