I swear she didn't look like that last week.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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