if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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