New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize