hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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