So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
