meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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