Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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