I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
