Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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