Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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