She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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