the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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