I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
