btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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