Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
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Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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