I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
