She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"