I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros