dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
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I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.