Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.