I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.