the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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