Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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