Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
