im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize