So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
