I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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