Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
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It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
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I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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