Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
