I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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