he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
