dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
