I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
