The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
