Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.