theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
