I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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