Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
