Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
