Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
