There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
