I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
