she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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