im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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