This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
