Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
