the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
