It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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