Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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