Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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