my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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