Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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