Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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