im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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