So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
